The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, family, grace, faith and connections, among other things. That being said, all too often, people groan and sigh as they talk about the holidays approaching.
As a couple, the expectations and challenges of the holidays can add additional stress to the relationship. Each individual has his/her own stressors and, as a couple, there are additional challenges such as family expectations, navigating differing priorities/rituals, competing interests, etc. Issues that seem small can become the source of conflicts and the pressure to ‘look happy’ can exaggerate feelings of loneliness or disconnection in a relationship.
This year try something different. Be intentional in how you celebrate the season with your partner and try some of the suggestions below to make a low-stress, loving and connecting holiday season for your relationship.
Make an Action Plan
One of the biggest mistakes couples make during the holidays is NOT planning ahead. The unexpected will happen and if things are not handled skillfully, it’s a ripe time for the couple to have an argument. If you think for a minute, I bet you can remember witnessing a holiday disaster or two.
Before the holidays even begin, sit down and have a conversation. Note things such as:
- what you both are wanting the holiday to be like
- what’s important to each of you
- what are your concerns
Use this information to create a rough draft of activities you will engage in, who you will interact with, and what things you really DON’T want to do. By intentionally engaging in such a conversation and creating an ‘Action Plan’, you both get a voice in making the holidays what you want.
Anticipate the Challenges
The holidays become stressful due to the challenges. Even if this is your first holiday together, you might be able to anticipate some of the difficulties you may encounter. Whether it’s your uncle drinking too much, the kids being cranky, or just needing alone time in a house full of people, it’s helpful to pro-actively note the challenges you each can reasonably predict.
Anticipating the challenges is a part of creating your Action Plan because you are then going to start to pro-actively create some solutions for those plans…BEFORE the challenges even happen! By planning for these challenges as a couple before you are emotionally triggered, you are more likely to handle them skillfully and collaboratively. Ironically, anticipating and problem-solving ahead of time may actually make you and your partner feel a bit more connected, as it can feel like ‘us against them’.
Divide and Conquer
If one person is doing everything, that person will become resentful. I don’t care if the person says they LOVE doing everything for the holidays. Everyone is human and eventually that person will get tired and overwhelmed. And when that happens, it’s more likely a couple will argue and all the good plans will fall away.
So be a team. Pro-actively, when you are working on your Action Plan, note who will do what next to the various tasks listed. Allow each partner to volunteer for what he/she would like to do first, as that will help actually bring some holiday joy. After you both have noted what you WANT to do, then each identify what you really dislike/hate doing. See if your partner is willing to do those items. Divide the rest of the tasks/duties up in a way that feels equitable, knowing you may need to take over for the other in the actual moment due to the predictability of holiday chaos.
When you are dividing the tasks up, you may find it helpful to actually write who will be doing what, so there are no surprises. Couples commonly argue over the holidays when one assumes the other is going to be doing a task. The more this can be prevented, the less likely there will be a conflict.
Create Some ‘Break Time’
The holidays can be exhausting as it can just feel like go-go-go-go. Whether it’s a multi-week event or even one very LONG day with the family, it’s a lot of pressure for the couple to be on their best behavior, communicating perfectly and looking full of holiday glee the whole time.
Accept it will be a bit much and create some breaks during the rush. As a couple, consider doing some connecting activities that are just for you two. Maybe plan a romantic getaway dinner, an easy comedy show or a quiet walk in a snowy park. Allow yourselves to PAUSE during the holiday to still be present for each other and enjoy one another.
As an individual, give yourself a break as well. On those intense time-crunch days, use the drive to the grocery store as quiet time or prop everyone in front of a home movie so you can just breath a bit. By taking care of yourself, you will be a better partner and have more stamina to enjoy the holidays.
Give Each Other Extra Grace
Hallmark movies have shown all of us the ‘perfect’ holiday. As much as we know things can’t be so perfect, we often strive for it nonetheless. As we push ourselves to do things ‘just right’…getting that perfect gift, cooking an amazing dish, setting up the outside lights ‘just so’, we slowly pile stress on ourselves. We do this to ourselves; it’s almost as if we put ourselves in a pressure cooker.
If we kept it only to ourselves, well, then it’s of our own doing. The reality is, when we are wound up tight from our stress, we are more likely to be triggered by our partner, communicate poorly and more easily have arguments. Our best intentions to be perfect can make us fairly imperfect as partners.
Knowing this happens, it’s predictable and quite human. Plan for it and do things differently. Anticipate your partner may not be at their best. Anticipate they will make mistakes, be reactive, and even forget all those lovely details you two agreed upon with your action plan.
And give your partner grace. It is a holiday season about love, compassion and generosity. Your partner needs that from you…and you also need that for yourself.
Find a Way to Re-connect After the Holidays
As much as the holidays can be rewarding and memorable, they often are exhausting. In the process of focusing on others and all the ‘things’ involved with the season, couples can lose sight of each other in some ways. So consciously create a plan to reconnect once the holidays are winding down.
You were thoughtful in gifts you purchased, food you prepared and words you wrote in cards. Your relationship deserves that wonderful attention as well! With that in mind, intentionally plan a means to connect as a couple after the holidays. Whether it’s a stay-cation for a few days, a special night out or a weekend of pajamas and lovemaking, consciously set aside time to reflect, connect, commiserate and laugh.
Communicating Like This Can Be Difficult
All these ideas and suggestions require communicating with your partner. If you are struggling to communicate or connect with your partner right now, these suggestions are incredibly difficult to even attempt. No matter how great the idea, if we can’t skillfully talk with our partner, it’s hard to succeed as a team.
We are not taught how to communicate well with our partner, so if you are struggling, you are normal. By learning the tools and skills I teach couples in my Couples Therapy Intensive Retreat or my Premarital Marriage Course, you will be able to successfully navigate more than the holidays…you will be successful at navigating your relationship!
Be well, give grace, and let me know if you would like me to help you connect and communicate better. Wait…that could be a perfect gift! 😛
Asheville Center for Couples specializes in helping couples quickly through Couples Therapy Retreats.
